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        auxilary25  40, Female, California, USA - 32 entries
    03
    Sep 2010
    5:12 AM EDT
       

    RUN!!!

    Denial & False Hope drove me to my heartbreak. The entire time I repeated to myself, to him, that we could only be friends I was secretly hoping that we’d become more. There is no one to blame here. I knew when you told me you loved me and that you didn’t want anyone else that when all was said and done things couldn’t work out. I knew this. I continued to talk to you, get close to you, go out with you, respond to your messages knowing that I was setting myself up to feel anger and resentment again. You have every right to worry about your happiness and if being with me don’t make you happy then so be it. In the long run we’re only hurting ourselves if we live in denial. My only problem is that you made it seem like you were willing to work past all of our problems. You made it seem like you’d go back to therapy. That you weren’t talking to anyone else and that I was the only person for you yet all the while I kept feeling that there was someone else. You denied it until you were blue in the face. You accused me of being paranoid and inventing stories in my head and I questioned my own sanity. I couldn’t believe that this was becoming an obsession and leading me to such an extreme paranoia.
    Then I saw a message on your phone from a number that wasn’t saved. I saw it and u deleted it fast. You denied that such message was ever on your phone that it must’ve been a wrong number. You asked me why am I creating things, what’s wrong with me?? I again questioned my sanity. Could I be so traumatized that I’m creating things to sabotage any future relationship we might have??? But then you admitted that it what “nothing” which meant there was “something” that you were classifying. You shouldn’t be saying it’s “nothing” to a person that doesn’t exist and never sent you a message I saw on your phone. Now you say that you always said we were just friends. That you love me but we agreed that we can’t get along (true). You even took off the key pendant you used to wear that symbolized the key you had to my heart and I have the key to yours. After so many times of trying to kiss me, hold my hand, call me frantically at night because you thought I was dating someone, texted me to please keep talking to you. Now you say that you’ll always love me but it can never be? Now, because you found someone new you pull away and don’t care about my feelings.
    I keep going back to you; keep talking to you like a lost dog. If anyone could analyze me outside of this relationship they’d say I’m a strong woman that doesn’t take crap from anyone. I’m determined, very confident, and independent to the maximum. Yet with you I’m codependent. Aside from having a daughter I allow myself to be drawn back to the vicious cycle of us texting all day, you calling me at work all day, calling me at night. I do it. I know it’s all wrong, that I should stop. This will lead to no good, yet I do it. You lie to me right to me face; deny things and then it comes out that what you denied was true. How can I talk to you? You say it’s irrelevant if you’re talking to her but it is relevant. It’s relevant if you’re talking to a girl yet going out to lunch with me. It’s relevant if you’re texting me you love & miss me. It’s relevant if you’re trying to kiss me. It’s also relevant because she does exist and all this time you made me question myself, my gut feeling, and my sanity when all along you were lying.
    God I want to run away just cut this connection we have. It’s so hard! It makes you feel happy and broken at the same time. Makes you want to smile, scream, cry, kick at the same tie. I’m filled with love and hate at the same time I feel like an addict, you are my drug. I know you are terrible for me, horrible. You don’t deserve me, the love I’ve given you. I carried your child inside of me for 9 months and you call me a monster, dirty. Yes, you apologize but still why talk to someone that calls me these things? I don’t get why I don’t move on, boy do I want to. It’s just hard now with me working fulltime, going to school fulltime, and having our daughter.
    I need to do this, I need to see you as a bad habit, smoking. I need to give up the cigarettes but fully on my own because there isn’t an over the counter patch that can alleviate the withdrawals. There’s nothing I can take to control the overwhelming emotions that block my inner voice yelling “NO RUN” when you tell me you love me. Nothing can save me aside from God and I have a feeling this is a test. Learn to love and value myself and remove the impurities from my life, remove you. I have to or it’ll be the death of my sanity and my emotional well being.
    What does it say about me that I keep going back? Why do I even though I know you’re all wrong for me?
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        loveless101  29, Female, California, USA - 16 entries
    03
    Sep 2010
    10:21 AM EDT
       

    Today

    Today's the day of the football game!!!!!! Can't wait to meet all katies friends I'm sooooo excited!!!!! I really can't wait teehee
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        shortyevans  29, Male, Australia - 3 entries
    02
    Sep 2010
    6:56 PM EDT
       

    hello
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        hopelessromantic  37, Female, Philippines - 16 entries
    02
    Sep 2010
    8:22 PM EET
       

    Oh My Mafia love

    Dear Jakoy,

    I don't want to be devious because it'll just bore you to death. hehehe I want to let you know that I've been missing you since the last time we talked. It's weird because� I've never missed you this much. I'm thinking about you for the past few days 24/7 and i know this isn't right :( Now I came up with a conclusion that I might be falling for you or yeah I'm inlove with you, FOR REAL.� Not the Mafia obsessed lover thingy that we often joke about.� I never knew it coming. I've nver thought that the jests that we share would turn into a much more deeper feeling on my part. I don't understand this tbh. I just woke up one day and poof! yeah! I have just realized this recently :( I'm telling you this not because I want you to love me back but because I want you to know that someone loves you no matter what. I'm not expecting something in return. Just let me love you! I know this might put an awkward spot in our friendship but I have to let you know because my heart is just about to explode :/ I can't hold it back anymore.

    I love you and you'll always have a space in my heart Jakoy.


    your obsessed lover for real

    ~Big j ♥

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        loveless101  29, Female, California, USA - 16 entries
    02
    Sep 2010
    12:58 PM EDT
       

    Still here

    Still here in orange county. And it's still pretty fun !!!! Can't wait till the football game tomorrow night
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        loveless101  29, Female, California, USA - 16 entries
    01
    Sep 2010
    7:32 PM EDT
       

    School

    Omg!!!! School is here. I'm so frign happy I'm going to explode ! This year is going to be bomb!!!!! Plus I have such an awesome class. I hope labor day goes by fast. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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        swordbearer  70, Male, New York, USA - 21 entries
    31
    Aug 2010
    9:40 PM EDT
       

    Hi everybody. I need to catch up here with some of you. God bless you all. I will write some later and respond to some. Swordbearer.
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        Domino18  24, Male, Virginia, USA - 3 entries
    30
    Aug 2010
    8:22 PM EDT
       

    Tomorrow

    Tomorrow, I leave to return to America! No more dirty streets, agonizing heat, and long nose prying into privite conversations! (Short descripion of my perspective of China.) Its attributes are: dirty, smelly, overheated, overpriced items, tons of baby abortion ):, practically no respect at all for anything, and wild dogs are tamer and cleaner than canines with owners! Yet, you have personal freedom and other good stuff, but the bad finally wins over the good. Tomorrow, I take a plane to Beijing, then to the US! Returning home, where I feel at home, and it is my home, as I was born in Washington D.C. Tomorrow, I get brought back from the dead! Dragging a corpse into life! Yay ME!
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        Lolastar18  35, Female, United Kingdom - 28 entries
    30
    Aug 2010
    5:36 AM EDT
       

    Time for a long lasting Embrace,

    Hey Guys! Summer is nearly over and i must say its been fun, I saw STep up 3D for the 5th time today. And LOVED IT!
    Thats how iv been pending my summer, Going to the movies! Im obsessed with Dance films. And Moose <3

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        swordbearer  70, Male, New York, USA - 21 entries
    29
    Aug 2010
    11:12 AM EDT
       

    Hi everybody. I need to catch up here with some of you. God bless you all. I will write some later and respond to some. Swordbearer.
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